When the Gunblade Burns
by PinkStarz
Summary: You've heard of a love triangle, but have you ever heard of a love heptagon?


When the Gunblade Burns

(Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Final Fantasy 8 so don't even _think _of suing!)

(Author's Note: More or less of a warning, this fic contains abnormal pairings that would probably never happen. Reader discretion is advised because of the messed up plot and the *ahem* actions of most of the characters. Please, don't flame me! This is soooo not a serious fic!)

He had never noticed it before. In fact, he couldn't explain _why he_ was feeling as he did. Something hot, passionate was running through him every time he gazed at _her......._Quistis Trepe. Her golden hair, her delicate fingers, her slim body. He couldn't help but to want to ravage her at the very sight of her body. He began to sweat and he leaned against the wall of the Quad. Everyone had turned in for the night and the dark sky was adorned with gems, which twinkled ever so beautifully. It was only the two of them. 

Trying to walk gracefully on wobbly legs, he made his way to Quistis, who was painting the stage where the Garden festival was to take place. He leaned over her shoulder and breathed in her sweet perfume, then smiled as her silky hair brushed against his face.

" Irvine, what are you doing here?" 

His smile widened at her startled expression and he placed his arms around her, squeezing her tightly.

" Has anyone told you how beautiful you are in the moonlight?" He whispered. Quistis took in a sharp breath, then elbowed the cowboy in the stomach. As he staggered back, struggling for a breath, she used the opportunity to throw Irvine into the ocean with her abnormal strength and run out of the Quad. She ran until her breath grew raspy, then she leaned against the entrance to the training room, where she knew her beloved would be. She was quite appalled when that blasted hippie Irvine was hitting on her, but that now did not bother her. Just the thought of _him, _of that handsome student of hers was enough to take her mind off of that incident.

She pushed the metal doors open in anticipation and as she predicted, Squall was there. He was battling a T-Rexaur and looked quite sexy while at it. His face had beads of sweat on it and his shirt was wet, showing off his biceps. Quistis took in a shuddery breath and could just imagine herself running her hands over those rock hard abs. 

It was when she was off in her imagination that Squall killed the T-Rexaur and was giving her a peculiar look.

" Quistis?Why are you drooling like that?" Squall asked. 

Quistis blinked, then in embarrassment, wiped the drool off from her mouth with her glove. 

" I....I really don't know," She was puzzled, especially since she had always considered Squall like a little brother to her.

" Whatever. Anyways, I think I'm going to be turning in for the night."

As Squall turned around to leave, Quistis grabbed his arm.

" Actually, I want to see you in my office."

" You have an office?"

" Shut up and kiss me you fool!" Quistis said passionately, grabbing Squall's head and bringing his lips to hers. She locked a death grip on him for five minutes before letting him go with lipstick smeared all over his lips.

" Wha.......huh........I.......yeah.......you.......me.......help!" Squall felt dizzy and somewhat violated that his instructor could do such a thing to him. He looked up from the floor where he wanted to puke to see Quistis advancing on him with her whip.

" You've been a bad boy Squall. I want you in my office where I can discipline you."

With that she cracked her whip and Squall ran out of the Training room, thinking happy and non-disturbing thoughts. 

_First Rinoa and now this..._

He continued to run when he slipped on the freshly mopped floor and crashed straight into someone, classic Zell style. When he came to in the infirmary, the first thing he saw was cleavage, then a yellow dress.

" Hey, you're awake! It's about time! Now I can't go to the candy shop with Zell 'cause ya passed out!"

Squall never thought he would see the day when that voice resembled a goddess.

" I love you!" He blurted out, shooting straight out of the bed. 

Selphie gave him a puzzled look, then frowned.

" You're more out of it then I thought! Did you smack your head or something?" She placed her hand on Squall's forehead and he closed his eyes.

_She touched me!_

Now Squall knew something was wrong. He hated people touching him. He opened his eyes, realizing how close Selphie was to him. She was so small, so gorgeous, how could he have not noticed it before? Now he felt his cheeks flushing and his body aching. What was this feeling? Squall was not very in touch with human emotions, but he knew what he felt and what he wanted to do was not a good thing. At this point he was shaking and Selphie was slowly backing away.

" Uhm....I ought to come back in the morning...." She said. " Besides, I have a very busy day tomorrow so..."

" Not a busy day, a busy night!" Squall purred [yes, _purred!!!_], grabbing Selphie around the waist. She yelped and struggled to get out of his grip.

" Where is Squall and what have you done with him, Irvy?" Selphie asked, clearly mistaking Squall for Irvine.

" Selphie, Selphie, Selphie," Squall said. " I know you've always had these feelings for me, you've just kept inside. Well, fear no more! I feel the same way!"

" Besides you actually _feeling _something, do you mean puzzlement and fear for your life?"

" No, love!"

By now Squall had pushed Selphie on top of the infirmary bed and she was looking positively frightened. He leaned forward and kissed her hungrily and when he lifted his lips from hers, she could see stars dancing in front of her eyes.

" Wow, you are some.....wait a sec......" Selphie said in breathless voice. Just when Squall was about to kiss her again, she pulled out her trusty frying pan and smacked him on the head. Squall slumped onto Selphie's bosom with stars encircling his head and she made a face before pushing him off of her.

" God, he reminded me so much of Irvine..." Selphie thought, liking it much more better when Squall acted like a clone not capable of human emotion. She locked the door behind her when she left the infirmary and was walking to her dorm room when she bumped into Seifer who was holding a large sack over his shoulder.

" Hey Seifer! What's in the bag?" Selphie asked.

Seifer shrugged, then glared at Selphie.

" What's it to you, messenger girl?"

" Nothing. Actually, I wanted to ask you something..." Selphie fiddled with the zipper on her dress before grabbing Seifer's hands.

" What the...."

" Will you marry me?" Selphie asked, gazing at Seifer with doe eyes.

" Hell no! Have you been smoking crack?" Seifer yelled, backing away.

" I only get high off of you, sugah!" Selphie outstretched her arms and beckoned Seifer to come to her. His eyes widened and he looked disgusted. Suddenly, Selphie lowered her arms and thought hard for a minute about what she was doing. The mere fact that she was _thinking_ was a surprise, but why was she so incredibly attracted to Seifer? She just wanted to grab him and rip all his clothes off and..._Irvy had a name for that...now what was it?_

" Listen, call me when you're sane," Seifer said, and began to walk away from Selphie. She growled.

" Oh no you don't!"

With that Selphie ran up and tackled Seifer to the ground where she took out her trusty rope from her pocket [don't ask _what _she does in her free time] and began to tie Seifer's hands and torso with.

" You're so hot and sexy and you're all mine!!!" Selphie giggled and hugged Seifer who watched in dismay as Selphie kissed his face over and over.

" Get it off!!!!" He shouted, hoping someone would hear his cries. " What the M***** F***** are you doing you dirty *****!!!!!!"

And almost like a knight, a blonde, muscular man came to Seifer's rescue, prying Selphie off and locking her in a convenient cupboard that appeared out of nowhere.

" Zell!" Seifer shouted. " Thank god!"

Zell was shocked when Seifer called him by his actual name, but even more shocked when Seifer _hugged _him.

" Have you been working out?" Seifer asked, then gave Zell a sultry look.

" Yeah, actually I...wait a minute...are you playing some horrible sick joke on me, man?" Zell asked. He smacked away Seifer's creeping hand then glared at the blonde. " Seifer, just leave me alone you bastard!"

" But Zell..." Seifer's eyes had tears in them. " I love you! You're my knight in shining armour and I am your princess!"

" Whatever," Said Zell, sounding very much like Squall. " Just stay the hell away from me and go harass Squall or something."

" Zell, you're forgetting one important thing," Seifer whispered in Zell's ears. " Blondes have more fun."

" Sick, dude! Keep the f*** away from me!!!WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!!!" Zell finally screamed. He punched Seifer in the face and calmly walked off to the cafeteria where a dark haired girl was standing.

" Any hotdogs left?" He asked the girl.

" Nope. I just came here cause I wanted to find Quistis and tell her something, but she's not here so..." The familiar voice trailed off, then the brunette turned around. When Zell gazed into her eyes, his heart stopped and he couldn't breathe. Literally.

" Oh my goodness! Zell, you're turning blue!" Rinoa cried out, managing to catch Zell and he staggered, then falling on top of him.

" Can't....breathe....too....beautiful...." Zell gasped, although he couldn't breathe.

" What? Who? When?Why?Where?" 

" Need...air...mouth to mouth...I'm dying...."

Rinoa rolled her eyes, but then she noticed Zell's eyes bulging and his face turning from blue to purple. She quickly used CPR on Zell but stopped when he began to make out with her.

" Ewww! You pervert!" Rinoa screamed, smacking Zell on the face.

" Your slap it like a touch from an angel!" Zell said, rubbing his red cheek. He reached out to grab Rinoa but she kicked him in the crotch.

" Love hurts..." Zell gasped, before collapsing on the ground. Rinoa shook her head and left Zell writhing on the tile floor. She checked her watch, which read five after midnight. She knew she was up way past curfew, but she had to find Quistis and give her the message from Cid. 

In the process of walking and chewing gum at the same time, quite the challenge for Rinny, she tripped and fell on the hard floor. Then she began to cry, a long wailing sound, which Irvine heard from the Quad where he was drying himself off. He ran towards the sound and helped Rinoa up, who sniffled in thanks.

'" Rinny, _never_ chew gum and walk at the same time! You know you can't do that!" Irvine said. Rinoa began to sob and fell into Irvine's arms.

" Of course not! I'll do anything for you!" She looked up and grabbed Irvine's collar. " Lover!"

" What?"

Rinoa began to kiss Irvine's neck and although the perverted cowboy liked it, he *actually* *knew* that was *wrong* [ you may give a startled gasp now]. He pushed Rinoa away.

" Stop it, Rin. You know Squall would kill me if he ever found out." Irvine said.

Rinoa pouted, then an evil expression crept onto her face.

" _If _he ever finds out," She said seductively. She was about to kiss Irvine when Quistis walked into the hallway near the cafeteria.

" Rinoa, Xu said that you had a message for me from--" She stopped when she saw Rinoa holding tightly onto Irvine who looked like he was going to cry.

" Sorry, am I interrupting something?" She asked. " Maybe I'll come back in the morning..."

" No, Quisty, don't!" Irvine shouted, prying Rinoa off of him and running after her.

" You blonde whore! You're stealing my man!" Rinoa cried out, pulling out her pinwheel.

" Rinoa!" Zell cried out, emerging from the cafeteria. " My angel!"

He ran after Rinoa with arms outstretched before he smacked into Selphie.

" Have you seen Seifer?" Selphie asked. 

" God no! And I hope I don't!" Zell said, cringing at the mere mentioning of the name. Selphie's face fell then suddenly her eyes brightened.

" Seify!!!!!" She cried out and jumped up along with Zell.  
" Oh god, don't scare me like that!"

" But Zell--"

" I almost had a heart attack!"

" But Zell--"

" What? Are you going to tell me that Seifer is behind me holding a large axe and glaring menacingly?"

" No, I was going to tell you that Seifer is behind you holding a large sack and gazing lustfully at you!"

Zell turned round too late for Seifer had already placed the bag over his head and body.

" Mppphh!!!"

" That's right Zell, I love you too!" Seifer said, petting the moving bag.

" What about me?" Selphie asked, tearing up.

" What about you?"

Selphie began to swing the lasso and Seifer's eyes widened. He ran off into the opposite direction and Selphie was about to toss her rope at him when a rope went around her.

" Hey! I had a perfect shot there!" She cried out, then turned around to see her capturer as Squall, much to her dismay.

" Let me show you a Lion's heart," Squall said, winking as he reeled Selphie in.

" That's not seductive, just stupid," Selphie remarked.

" Oh, well then, how about ' You've just walked into my Fated Circle'."

Selphie shook her head.

" You're in my 'Blasting Zone'?"

She wrinkled her nose.

" Let's have it 'Rough Divide'?"

" That doesn't make sense!"

" Okay, okay, how about 'Let me show you my Gunblade'."

" That's great!" Selphie cried out from the other side of the Garden where she was hot on the trail of Seifer. Squall looked down to see he was holding an empty rope.

" We can put _that _to use!" Quistis whispered from behind Squall.

" I _wish _people would stop doing that!" Squall yelled before running after Selphie.

*******

" Oh, I'm having sooooo much fun!" Edea cried out, giggling as she watched the SeeD's chase each other from her ~*~Magic Mirror~*~. Just then, Cid stepped into her room and looked at her in bewilderment.

" Edea, why are you cackling and have a ~*~Magic Mirror~*~?" He asked." And what's with the pointy hat?"

Edea shrugged. " I've been watching too many soap operas and I decided to put my powers to use. What's the point of having powers if I'm not going to use them?" And with a flick of her hand, she turned Cid into Tom Cruise.

" _Much _more better!" She turned around in her giant armchair and picked up a glass of wine. " Now my plan is set. While the SeeD's are busy chasing each other, I can finally take over the world!"

" Honey, what's the point?" Tom Cruise asked. " And what am I doing here? Who are you?"

" Shut up. If I can take over the world, then...then..." She stopped and frowned. " Why _do _I want to take over the world?"

" Maybe you have too much free time on your hands," Tom Cruise suggested.

" Yeah, I suppose you're right. Let's just watch the SeeD's in merriment, then take over the world when we have a purpose."

Edea cackled and Tom Cruise laughed _evilly._

__

Will Squall get Selphie who wants Seifer who desires Zell who loves Rinoa who lusts for Irvine who pines for Quistis who adores Squall? Will Edea remember her purpose for taking over the world? Will the SeeD's be able to stop her? Will Squall realize that Rinoa is actually his half sister? Will Tom Cruise be in the next chapter? Stay Tuned for another riveting episode of ' When the Gunblade Burns'.

(Authors Note: Please review and tell me what couples you want for the outcome, cause I have no idea! So tell me! Oh yeah, and I know this fic makes no sense. Kind of a parody on soap operas.)


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